Oh Baby! - Birth Control and Mormons

Multiply and Replenish

According to an article published Oct. 13, 2005 in the Deseret News, Utah has the country's highest fertility rate and youngest median age at first marriage. This data was pulled from U.S. Census Bureau figures and compiled in a report, Indicators of Marriage and Fertility in the United States From the American Community Survey, 2000 to 2003. These statistics are largely representative of the LDS population, as, according to the Church, 70.5% of Utah residents in 2003 were LDS (and 62.4% according to the Salt Lake Tribune).

	Utah	Natl. Avg.
Fertility rate (women 15 - 44)	90.6	65.5
Median age at first marriage (men)	23.9	26.7
Median age at first marriage (women)	21.9	25.1

So why does LDS culture promote early marriage and high birth rates? It definitely springs from the teachings of the Church. When our leaders speak, we Mormons listen. In 1995, the First Presidency affirmed that bearing children is a commandment: "The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force... We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God's eternal plan." (The Family: A Proclamation to the World, 1995)

However, the Church's stance on birth control has changed dramatically from earlier days. Here is the Church's current stance as found in the 1998 version of the General Handbook of Instructions (the official guidebook for Church leaders):

"Birth Control: It is the privilege of married couples who are able to bear children to provide mortal bodies for the spirit children of God, whom they are then responsible to nurture and rear. The decision as to how many children to have and when to have them is extremely intimate and private and should be left between the couple and the Lord. Church members should not judge one another in this matter. Married couples also should understand that sexual relations within marriage are divinely approved not only for the purpose of procreation, but also as a means of expressing love and strengthening emotional and spiritual bonds between husband and wife."

This statement is dramatic because it states that:

• although bearing children is a privilege, the decision as to when to have children and how many to have is up to the couple and the Lord
• the key is not to judge others who do not fall into the same timeline or household size as you may
• sex is not only for bearing children--it is also an expression of love

It's hard to see how dramatic a shift this statement is until you see other Church statements over time as a point of comparison. Let's watch the evolution of doctrine on this point as we walk back through the last 100 years of Church teaching on the subject:

1916: ". . .in most cases the desire not to have children has its birth in vanity, passion and selfishness. . . All such efforts, too, often tend to put the marriage relationship on a level with the panderer and the courtesan. They befoul the pure fountains of life with the slime of indulgence and sensuality."(David O. McKay, "Birth Control," Relief Society Magazine, July 1916, p. 366)

1917: "Children are a heritage from the Lord, and those who refuse the responsibility of bringing them into the world and caring for them are usually prompted by selfish motives, and the result is that they suffer the penalty of selfishness throughout eternity. There is no excuse for members of our Church adopting the custom of the world. . . We have been better taught than they." (George Albert Smith, "Birth Control," Relief Society Magazine, Feb. 1917, p. 72)

1943: "When the husband and wife are healthy, and free from inherited weaknesses and disease that might be transplanted with injury to their offspring, the use of contraceptives is to be condemned." (David O. McKay, Conference Report, October 1943, p. 30)

1949: "As to sex in marriage, the necessary treatise on that for Latter-day Saints can be written in two sentences: Remember the prime purpose of sex desire is to beget children. Sex gratification must be had at that hazard." (J. Reuben Clark, Jr., Conference Report 1949, Oct: pp. 194-95)

1969: "We seriously regret that there should exist a sentiment or feeling among any members of the Church to curtail the birth of their children. We have been commanded to multiply and replenish the earth that we may have joy and rejoicing in our posterity. Where husband and wife enjoy health and vigor and are free from impurities that would be entailed upon their posterity, it is contrary to the teachings of the Church artificially to curtail or prevent the birth of children. We believe that those who practice birth control will reap disappointment by and by." (First Presidency {David O. McKay, Hugh B. Brown, N. Eldon Tanner} Letter to presidents of stakes, bishops of wards, and presidents of missions, 14 April 1969)

1973: "I have told many groups of young people that they should not postpone their marriage until they have acquired all of their education ambitions. I have told tens of thousands of young folks that when they marry they should not wait for children until they have finished their schooling and financial desires. Marriage is basically for the family, and there should be no long delay. They should live together normally and let the children come. . ." (Spencer W. Kimball, "Marriage is Honorable," Speeches of the Year, 1973, p. 263)

1974: "The tendency for many of our girls and many of our married women to put off or to reduce their families is not pleasing to your Heavenly Father, for He said, 'multiply and replenish the earth,' and He knew what He was doing, and any of our personal opinions don't amount to much as compared to the wisdom of God. And he said as he concluded this great effort of creation, 'And I . . .saw everything that I had made, and behold, all things which I had made were very good . . .' He stood off and looked them over. He had made no errors; He had made no mistakes; He had created man and woman for a purpose. That purpose was not fun; that purpose basically was to live together in harmony and peace and to rear children in righteousness . . ." (Spencer W. Kimball, Address to Special Interest Fireside in Tabernacle, 29 Dec. 1974, pp. 4-5)

1989: "Birth Control - Husbands must be considerate of their wives, who have a great responsibility not only for bearing children but also for caring for them through childhood. Husbands should help their wives conserve their health and strength. Married couples should seek inspiration from the Lord in meeting their marital challenges and rearing their children according to the teachings of the gospel." (1989 General Handbook of Instructions, Chapter 11)

So, what do we learn by this little trip down memory lane? I suppose we learn that Church doctrine is fluid--do not get stuck in a doctrine that has changed over time. After all, that is the power of having a living Church with prophets at its helm.

To sum it up, birth control among mormons is a personal decision for the couple prayerfully seeking guidance from God. It is most important not to judge others for their decisions. Finally, you can enjoy sex as a beautiful, pleasurable, and meaningful part of your relationship for its own sake.

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The M-Word: Mormons & Masturbation

Everybody’s Doing It

Odds are that if you're reading this blog you've masturbated before. How do I know that? Simple--statistics. According to The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior (Janus and Janus, 1993), 95% of men and 89% of women have masturbated. Even back in the 1940s and 1950s, according to the Kinsey studies on sexuality, masturbation was fairly prevalent--92% of men and 62% of women reported that they had masturbated. How does this data for the general population correlate with the LDS population? Good question. As far as I know, there have been no formal studies that segment the tendency to masturbate by religious group. From my personal experience, a whopping sample size of two, both my spouse and I have masturbated before.

Just because almost everyone is doing it doesn’t mean it’s right, does it? Despite the fact that General Handbook of Instruction (the official policy guidebook for Church leaders) does not include a single direct reference to masturbation, the LDS Church’s official stance on masturbation for youth seems quite clear: don’t do it.

Of the first twenty articles that a quick search on “masturbation” at LDS.org turned up, fifteen were directed toward youth or parents teaching youth. The For the Strength of Youth pamphlet clearly states “The Lord specifically forbids certain behaviors, including all sexual relations before marriage, petting, sex perversion (such as homosexuality, rape, and incest), masturbation, or preoccupation with sex in thought, speech, or action (see A Parent's Guide, pp. 36–39).”

In fact, President Kimball taught explicitly about masturbation: "Masturbation, a rather common indiscretion, is not approved of the Lord nor of his church, regardless of what may have been said by others whose ‘norms’ are lower. Latter-day Saints are urged to avoid this practice. Anyone fettered by this weakness should abandon the habit before he goes on a mission or receives the holy priesthood or goes in the temple for his blessings. Thus prophets anciently and today condemn masturbation. It induces feelings of guilt and shame. It is detrimental to spirituality. It indicates slavery to the flesh, not that mastery of it and the growth toward godhood which is the object of our mortal life. ...While we should not regard this weakness as the heinous sin which some other sexual practices are, it is of itself bad enough to require sincere repentance." (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p.282)

Shame and Guilt…

Even though President Kimball acknowledges that masturbation is common, and it is not as heinous a sin as some other sexual practices are, he still condemns it. He also says that it induces feelings of guilt and shame. This was particularly true for one young mormon, Kip Eliason. Kip, a sixteen-year-old burdened with extreme feelings of guilt and self-hate over his inability to stop masturbating, saw suicide as his only way out. This widely publicized and terribly tragic story leads one to question the way the Church approaches a nearly ubiquitous practice among youth. How many youth feel terrible about themselves because they cannot conquer nearly overwhelming feelings of sexuality during puberty?

When Church leaders refer to masturbation with terms such as “self-abuse” or “perversion” it really hammers home to youth that do masturbate (nearly all of them) a feeling of deep guilt and dirtiness with regard to their blossoming sexuality. This often leaves mormons, later in life, with a plethora of sexual hang-ups, particularly with lingering feelings of guilt while taking part in sexual acts within marriage. Excessive feelings of guilt can lead to various sexual problems in marriage including premature ejaculation, inability to achieve orgasm, reduced sexual desire, and infrequent intercourse.

Laura Brotherson, the author of And They Were Not Ashamed — Strengthening Marriage Through Sexual Fulfillment, explains that she often hears comments from mormon women like “It’s okay to let my husband to have sex with me?” A sincere question like that indicates the deep impact of LDS teachings on sexuality—and sexuality is at the heart of marriage. In fact, President Kimball taught “Divorces often occur over sex… If you study the divorces… you will find that there are [many] reasons. Generally sex is the first. They did not get along sexually. They may not say that in the court. They may not even tell that to their attorneys, but that is the reason.” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p.329)

A Little Perspective

Feelings of shame and guilt about sexuality, particularly in regard to a nearly ubiquitous practice like masturbation, can cause sexual hang-ups that negatively affect covenant marriage. It’s clear that the Church teaches that sexual practices, including masturbation, outside of marriage are wrong. That said, maybe it’s time to loosen up a little bit and put masturbation in perspective, especially since most people will masturbate at some point.

It seems that one message we need to get across to Latter-day Saint youth is that if you masturbate you’re actually pretty normal. Although it’s not the best activity to be participating in, it’s certainly not a “heinous sin” that will ruin your life. I believe that most LDS parents, while not condoning masturbation, would greatly prefer their children to masturbate than to have premarital sex or to have their psyches permanently damaged by excessive feelings of guilt and shame. I think easing the stigma around masturbation might let LDS youth make it through to marriage with a more positive outlook on sexuality.

Now, as far as masturbation in marriage goes, the Church’s stance is much harder to discern. Of course, the Brethren are reticent to create a list of dos and don’ts regarding sexuality within marriage—they don’t want to answer questions about what is right and wrong all day long. That is what the guidance of the Spirit is for. Couples should openly discuss their feelings and ask God for guidance regarding their intimate relationships. What is right for some may not be right for others.

As one anonymous mormon explains, “I think masturbation is okay in some instances. For example, my husband suffers from premature ejaculation. If he masturbates regularly, our sex life gets a whole lot better because he can last long enough in bed to allow me to have an orgasm. If not, he feels ashamed and I am sexually frustrated. If that happens, then masturbation is a viable outlet for me to feel sexual relief as well. So, a little bit of masturbation can go a long way toward making our marriage better and our sex life more fulfilling.”

Many mormon women grow up thinking that the sexual parts of their bodies are bad, and thus do not really understand how their bodies respond to sexual stimulation. This incorrect belief may cause them to be unfamiliar with what type of stimulation they need to find sexual fulfillment with their spouses. As Laura Brotherson puts it, “If a woman is unfamiliar with her own anatomy and sexual functioning, or has not yet been able to experience orgasm, she may need to give herself permission to learn about her body.”

So, what’s the bottom line then? Although the Church maintains that sexual conduct outside of marriage, including masturbation, is wrong, we need to keep it in perspective. Almost everyone has masturbated, it’s not as serious as other sexual sins, and it shouldn’t cause people to feel excessive amounts of guilt or shame. We need to help youth get through adolescence without huge emotional and spiritual scars related to sexual guilt. Within marriage, couples need to openly discuss their sexuality and determine, through guidance from the spirit, what is right and wrong in the sexual arena. For some, masturbation may be a healthy choice that draws a couple closer together. For others, masturbation may pull them apart and draw their attention to their physical, rather than spiritual and emotional needs. Each couple must decide for themselves.   ...Read more

Sexual Shame

Shame is Satan's Tool

Shame is typically defined as guilt or a strong feeling of inadequacy. It prevents us from becoming one with God because we feel that He does not want to embrace our sinful natures. The truth, however, is that God loves us in totality--for everything that we are and can become. When He embraces us, He embraces all of us, not just our good parts.

Many mormons feel a sense of shame regarding our sexual desires, erotic feelings, and even our own bodies. This need not be the case. "And they [Adam & Eve] were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed (Genesis 2:25)."

Satan, however, saw to it that shame was wielded as one of his most devastating tools. Using shame, he prevented Adam and Eve from basking in the presence of God. "And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou? And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself (Genesis 3:9-10)."

We do not need to feel ashamed of our sexuality. When kept within the bounds the Lord has set, sexuality is beautiful, spiritual, and enjoyable. It is difficult to feel a spiritual connection with our partners through intercourse when we feel ashamed of our sexuality. We are, in essence, hiding from God as Adam did.

Instead, we should recognize the beauty of physical intimacy, the God-given bliss of orgasm, and the powerful spiritual bonds that sexual acts can create. God wants us, even us mormons, to enjoy sex when we engage in it guilt-free in the bonds of marriage. Not only does God want us to enjoy the spiritual and emotional intimacy that intercourse can bring, He also wants us to enjoy the physical pleasure of sex. An example: A woman's clitoris provides her with tremendous sexual pleasure. In fact, sexual pleasure is the organ's only known function. Why would God give woman a clitoris if He did not want us to enjoy the physical pleasure of sex?

Sexual shame can cause a host of sexual problems in marriage. Many men suffer from premature ejaculation, often brought about due to feelings of guilt and anxiety regarding intercourse. One of the common treatments for premature ejaculation is to focus more, rather than less, on the feelings of pleasure derived from intercourse. Similarly, some women and men, whether consciously or sub-consciously, try to limit the frequency of intercourse in their marriages because they do not enjoy it. Often times they cannot tap into the powerful spiritual feelings that intercourse can bring because they feel guilty or sexually frustrated. God does not want us to suffer in these ways.

Overcoming Sexual Shame

The first step in overcoming sexual shame is to recognize that sexual feelings are a natural, normal part of life. We should not fear or be disgusted by sexual desire. Rather, we should recognize it as a wonderful blessing and focus our efforts on preserving it for use in the right time and place--marriage. In marriage we should celebrate righteous sexuality as an opportunity to grow together physically, emotionally, and spiritually--to truly become one. The sex act should be an act of love, in which both partners give and receive physical pleasure, emotional closeness, and spiritual union. We should talk openly with our spouses about our sexual feelings and our love for each other.

Likewise, when we teach our children about sexuality, rather than solely emphasizing the negative aspects of sexual sin, we should accentuate the positives of sexual blessings. I know that I was bombarded with harsh warnings regarding sexual misconduct so often that I found it difficult to think of sex as anything but misconduct. When 95% of the messages about sex from parents or Church leaders are negative, the 5% of positive messages about the beauty of righteous sexuality are lost in the noise. A 50/50 message of both the positive and negative aspects of sexuality would do wonders to help children escape feelings of sexual shame. It is also extremely important to be open and frank when discussing sexuality. Showing embarrassment or reluctance to talk about sex with your children gives them an example of sexual shame. An open, positive attitude, on the other hand, displays an example of recognizing sex as a blessing.

Finally, pray for help. Do not let shame keep you "hidden" from God. He wants us to have joy. "Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy (2nd Nephi 2:25)." Joy is a wonderful word--it is lasting happiness that is free from the need for repentance--it is guilt-free. God can help us find joy, not just sexually, but in all aspects of our lives.   ...Read more

Mormon Sexuality

We all want to know more

Why do most of us mormons squirm in our seats as soon as the word "sex" is mentioned in a conversation? You're probably squirming right now, or at least feeling a little nervous, aren't you? Well, I've got news for you: sex is a beautiful, natural part of the human existence. It is my firm belief that our inability to openly discuss sexuality in a positive light is causing and will continue to cause massive sexual problems in our lives. What problems am I talking about?

• Secret pornography addiction
• Inability to achieve orgasm
• Premature ejaculation
• Unnecessary guilt
• Infrequent intercourse

The funny thing is that although we mormons don't like to talk about sex openly, there's pretty strong evidence that we really want to understand it better. According to one web site, the first two printings of Between Husband & Wife: Gospel Perspectives on Marital Intimacy, a book about sexual intimacy for and by Latter-day Saints, sold out within two weeks. Another article shows that the book topped the bestseller list at Deseret Book and even outsold President Hinckley's Standing For Something. The publisher, Covenant Books, was surprised at the interest, "To me the amazing part is that it was outselling Hinckley's book. In the LDS market, this is huge," the spokesperson said.

Frankly I'm not surprised at all. We all want to better understand human intimacy--it is at the core of our most meaningful relationships. We also want to understand how to exercise it within the bounds that the Lord has set. In that vein, I am going to devote the next several posts on this blog to topics on sexuality in the mormon experience.

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Tattoos & Piercings

Yesterday's sacrament meeting topic: modesty

I sat through an interesting sermon on Sunday--the bishop gave a nice oration on the importance of modesty in clothing styles, appearance, and language. I thought the things he had to say were good until he suggested that those with tattoos or body piercings were showing their "allegience with the enemy." Although the prophet has advised latter-day saints to avoid tattoos and body piercings, I don't think it's constructive to suggest that our brothers and sisters who have these for one reason or another are in league with the enemy. I personally find that LDS culture can be quite exclusive, and statements like these can drive away rather than draw in. Imagine if you were a member of another faith or a less-active member attending church for the first time in a long while and you heard this sermon. Rather than a meeting filled with testimony of Christ, the atonement, love, charity, repentence or forgiveness, you would be taught that the outward appearance is important.

Although the Lord looketh on the heart, I agree that being modest is still important. It's just that we shouldn't judge those who do not understand these standards. We should also look upon those who do understand but refuse to comply with compassion and love--we may not understand where they're coming from nor the road they have taken to arrive where they are today.   ...Read more

The goal

Why does the world need The anonymous Mormon?

I've noticed that many of the LDS blogs prompt strong, heart-felt discussion that would never occur during "the three-hour block". Because our religion comes with so many expectations, it's nice to be able to come to a place where you can explore your thoughts and feelings in a safe environment. Hence, The anonymous Mormon.

IMPORTANT NOTE: This blog in no way reflects the official position of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints regarding matters of doctrine. The opinions expressed here are just that--opinions!   ...Read more